Relationship Management: Navigating Parent/Adult Child Relationships in Downsizing

When you arrive at a certain phase of your life, you may find that your adult children or other non-spousal family members have opinions about your future. They might be starting conversations about whether you should stay in your home. Maybe they are expressing concern at your ability to live alone. Or possibly the decluttering conversation keeps coming up and they want you to start getting rid of your things. Whatever the concern may be, how do you navigate maintaining your autonomy, making family members comfortable, and also realistically planning for the future that is best for you but is also considerate of other involved family members?

This is a difficult topic to write a blog about because each person’s situation is different. There are so many different points of view that could go into the discussion. I am going to do my best to share some of my thoughts. Hopefully it will be helpful to some, but if not, continue to research the topic and see what other advice is out there.

Tip #1: Candid and Considerate Discussion

A conversation can be a great way to start or continue this process. During this conversation, everyone should get a chance to share how they’re feeling about downsizing, decluttering, moving, etc. Whatever that hot button topic is, get it out on the table. Set some ground rules for the conversation. For example, each person has 15 minutes to share their feelings and the other person is only allowed to listen and take notes. No responses are allowed. Then the next person gets 15 minutes to share their thoughts while the other person listens quietly. Try to find common ground before sorting through the places where your thoughts/opinions might differ and present a challenge.

If a verbal conversation doesn’t seem possible given family dynamics and personalities, consider taking the time to exchange something in writing where each person gets the chance to express their thoughts. Or get a little techy, and make a video you can share with your family member(s).

If a conversation like this will be difficult for any reason, you can always find someone to mediate the conversation. This person should be impartial. It can be a professional or just someone you know who has the right personality to look at both sides objectively and help you find common ground.

Tip #2: Be Realistic

Once you hear the concerns of your family member, take an honest look at yourself and your situation. Are you being realistic about the reality of your day-to-day? Or are you holding onto thoughts that you wish were true but unfortunately aren’t?

For example, maybe your family member is encouraging you to make a downsizing move because they are having a hard time juggling the demands of helping you remain independent while keeping up on their daily lives. Hearing this feedback might make you feel defensive initially. If it is untrue, that is understandable. But if it’s true and it’s just hard to face the facts, it is unfair to those around you to be in denial. Take the time to uncover the feelings of your family member and then search for the truth in their words.

Tip #3: Problem Solve Collaboratively

Your family member might think there’s only 1 solution to the problem you all are facing, but an afternoon of brainstorming collaboratively might reveal that there are actually 3 options available to solve the problem. Maybe you weren’t feeling comfortable with the first solution presented but you are comfortable with one of the other solutions. Or maybe you didn’t feel comfortable with solution 1 at first but upon hearing how solutions 2 and 3 are even less ideal, you might start to feel better about the initial plan. 

Tip #4: Maintain Your Autonomy, if Appropriate

If Tip #2 (being realistic) isn’t an issue in your situation, your kids might just be planning ahead but pushing a little too prematurely. If you’re still doing great in your current situation, remember that you still have the ability to make decisions about your life. Don’t stress too much about other’s advice to you. See it for what it is: an extension of their love and care for you and your well-being. You’re blessed to have people that care and want to collaborate with you to help you have the most comfortable life you can.

If you need an impartial yet honest ear to help evaluate your situation, reach out to Jess Lex Homes. We’ve been a part of many downsizing stories and can use our past experience to help you evaluate what is right for your future.

Note: As mentioned, situations will vary. These tips work best for situations where everyone is fairly healthy, of sound mind, and there is no crisis. There may be other cases where family members DON’T have your best interests at heart. Or when a medical situation might necessitate the intervention of family members regardless of how you’re feeling about their plans. The 4 simple tips won’t cover all scenarios.

This blog was written by: Jess Lex